Death In Life
In 1953 an old lady survivor, Moto Fuke, made the following account:
(Given public welfare, I am being taken care of at the Kiseien Home for the Aged in Kannon Village. I graduated from the Yamanaka Girls' School in 1902. And after some further education I taught home economics at the Kabe Girls' School from its founding to the time it became a prefecture school. I resigned from the school shortly before I became entitled to pension. Everybody advised me to work a bit longer, but I did not want to be taken care of by the government through pension.
After my resignation, I put all my money into founding the Tokiwa Girls' School, 2-chome, Higashi-Kannoncho in Hiroshima. I was its principal for a long time, and worked very hard to serve the nation through bettering the school and educating the students. In spite of all this, now I have to be taken care of by somebody else. I think now of nothing but leaving this world and living in Buddha's world as soon as possible.
When the Bomb was dropped, the school had some 500 students and eighteen teachers. It was an accredited girls' high school, so I invited a distinguished educator, Mr. Bairinji, to the position of principal; I was the school president. At the time when the flash came on August 6, we were having a regular morning gathering. Hit from the back, I fainted on my belly to the ground. This posture saved my life, for I did not breathe the poison. My clothes were gone; I got keloid on my right shoulder down my arm. So I cannot write at all. It itches even now. It also hurts like neuralgia or rheumatism.
After I came to, I escaped to the town of Koi and was taken care of at the home of our alumnus for seventeen days. Back at the school I was not able to find out what had happened to any of the students who had gathered that morning, nor did I find what had become of those students who had been working for civilian service with their teachers. Most of the bodies of the eighteen teachers were not found. With my school burnt down and all my other properties gone, I became just destitute. It was just too much and I lost myself and could not think at all.
All courage was lost to start the school all over again. I had nurtured the students with utmost care but they were killed. I was relying upon the teachers but they were all gone. And I myself had to stay in this world-full of shame, penniless. Why? We have a saying, "Nothing can come out of nothing." So perhaps I had done terribly wrong things in my previous life. I only hope to be reborn and live in Buddha's world next time. I came to realize that it was wrong that I tried to do something good for society. If I had done nothing, I wouldn't have suffered such a blow.
My burns healed up while I was staying at the site of my school thanks to the doctors who came from Tokyo and Osaka in a rescue crew. However, since I lost myself, I hardly remember the exact date when they healed up or when I left the site. Anyhow, I moved to my relatives in the city of Kure who then took care of me; later I was admitted to a nursing home owned by the Wakakusa-chō Nunnery. Then I moved again to this home on June 30 two years ago.
From one place to another, I always felt embarrassed about being Haken care of by somebody else at this age. I am thankful to be able to live here. But this place is just obasuteyama (a mountainside where the aged people used to be abandoned by their children who could not support the elders-Ed.) Where else should I go, though? For what purpose am I still living? It's better for me to die soon. I have given up everything in this life. I am reading the Book of Forty-Eight Wishes very hard in order to believe in nothing but the Shinshu Buddhism. I have no purpose in my life. I find no joy.
My only treasure is the students who survived. It's nice to have educated one's own students. They love me and come over here to comfort me.
However, no matter how hard I try, it's no use in this life. I really hope to live and work in Buddha's world in my next life. I only wish my life would come to an end soon.
If they had not burnt down the school, I should not be suffering this agony. Oh, what a blow! Having done such a cruel thing to us, they cannot expect the fruit of their deed to be sweet. Church people sometimes come over here and exhort me to become a Christian. Thanks a lot for their kindness, but I will never become a Christian. Having been given such a blow, I have no desire to go to Heaven.)
In 1953, this old lady who had been healthy and active felt that all her past achievements amounted to nothing; she knew only despair in the present and her only hope—such as it was—hinged on the next life. One example of survivors who are living the "death in life" described by Robert Lifton.